Fine

How are you doing? I am fine. Well, what does fine mean?

Recently I have had an unexpected turn of my life. Normally, I do fine in the personal department, and just hold my own professionally. I handle the balls in my life with general ease and manage everything. These past few months have shown a real turn in events. As I work harder professionally to get ahead, I find myself having to sacrifice personally. This makes me uncomfortable. My work life is great, but my personal life is bowing in the mist of it.

I respect and understand that life is made up of many parts. We cannot focus solely on one part and come out satisfied with our lives. I have almost always put family before work, until now. I feel that weight of my decisions on me, and I am not sure that the choice I made is the right one.

As a single woman with a child, I have to work harder to give us everything we need and deserve. I beat the odds and got my daughter into a fantastic private school. I know this is what she deserves and needs, but I also know that it is a hefty price to pay.

So, now to make ends meet and give us the life we should have, I work harder, longer and stronger. But I feel it takes me away from being a mother. I feel stressed more, letting it show more at home. I lay awake at night and tally my check book. I worry that my daughter will only have a distant memory of me, and that it will be that I was away all the time. I feel self resentment as I have to tell my daughter once again that I have to work on the weekend.

I love my job more than ever. I like the work we do and the difference we make. I like being able to put more money in the bank and paying my bills on time. I like knowing that I being a responsible adult and taking care of my life. I love that feeling. I don’t love missing out on things.

So, how am I doing? I don’t know how to answer that. I am doing better by society’s standard, but I am not living up to my own standards.

Life is all about balance and my scale has shifted. It is time to find my balance again, my center.

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